Intimacy

It’s not a secret. People just act like it is during the pregnancy process.

Most people don’t like to talk about it for their own reasons, and it’s completely understandable. Maybe it’s too personal.

Others want to talk about it, but are worried they’ll be judged.

I don’t think we have to elaborate in graphic detail about our personal intimacy, but if we open up a little and share our experiences and opinions in relation to pregnancy and having a child, it may help others realize that we all deal with the same challenges.

There are three chapters that a man and woman go through when having a child. I like to label them as: Trying, 9 Months and The Aftermath.

These three chapters can be filled with many different things, but I’m going to specifically focus on intimacy. As always, these are my thoughts based on personal experience and dialogue with friends, family and colleagues

Trying

Growing up I always believed that when two people decided that they wanted to have children, all they needed to do was be intimate without using any contraceptives and boom…baby on the way.

Turns out, that isn’t entirely true.

When my wife and I decided that we were ready to start trying, I thought we could plan it to a degree. I remember being overseas and texting a good friend who is also a father that my wife and I would try to plan the birth of our child during the summer when we were home in Canada. He replied: “Lol…good luck with that”.

What people may not realize, and what I didn’t at the time, is that no matter what you do or how hard you try, there is no way to plan when your woman will become pregnant. You just have to try and try and hope for the best. To the men who don’t have children, this probably sounds like a pretty good scenario. It is, but isn’t at the same time.

During your partner’s monthly ovulation periods, the plan is to be intimate as much as possible during that time. Yes, the trying is fun — I am sure we can all agree on that. But the more months that go by without success, the more that intimacy in the bedroom becomes just as much of a responsibility as it is a pleasure. I and others I have spoken to — male and female — have shared that even on nights when you’re exhausted and sleep is what you both want to do, the dialogue goes something like this:

“Should we do it tonight?”

“I love you, you know that, but I’m tired and you're tired.”

“But this could be the time it happens.”

“Let’s do it.”

The hardest thing is that as the months pass, the people who know you are trying will start to tell you things like, “You two are thinking about it too much, that’s why it’s not happening.”

But in actuality it’s impossible not to think about it when you are trying, especially if the process is taking longer then you anticipated.

Some couples can get pregnant within the first month of trying; for others it can take years. Everybody is different. My wife and I are both are in great health. I am an athlete and she is a former athlete. When trying for our daughter, we both were 100% stress-free. We thought we would conceive within the first few months of trying.

We had to think again.

We used apps on her phone to tell us when she was ovulating. We tried an ovulation kit. We tried to stay positive, but doubt crept into our minds. We would ask each other, “There isn’t anything wrong with us right? We are doing everything we can. What’s going on?”

We prayed on it and said if we got to a year with no success, we would both get checked, just to make sure everything is okay. And then, in the tenth month of trying, my wife surprised me with good news — she was finally pregnant.

Although everything worked out, my wife admitted to me that she initially felt embarrassed when speaking about how long it took for us to have our daughter. To some, it may feel like failure, but it’s not. You just can’t put a timeline on something that nature controls.

My advice to couples that are trying to become pregnant would be to stay patient. I know it’s not easy. Stressing about it when you feel like you’re doing everything possible is human nature, but the more positive you are, the more relaxed you will be and the better the chances you will have in welcoming a baby into this world.

9 Months

Men, let me talk to you.

Your woman is finally pregnant, what now?

I can tell you what.

You have to turn into Superman.

You have to be invincible for your woman during this time. Her body is going through a process she’s never experienced before and you have to be there to support her through it. Although every situation is different, for most couples, you will go from being intimate so much that you are exhausted to being intimate when she is in the mood to do so. Don’t be mad about it! Remember how much you OWE her in exchange for carrying your child.

She’ll get sick, get dizzy spells, have trouble sleeping, and ultimately not feel like the woman she was before she became pregnant.

Be there for her.

Now I’m not saying couples aren’t intimate during these times. All I am saying is, as men we have to respect the fact that our woman is going through something not even she could have prepared for. Take this time to get to know her better. If your situation calls for less intimacy between the two of you, find a way to connect on a deeper level — whether that is mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. This chapter in life can help your relationship in ways you never thought possible.

Of course, not all situations are the same. During this time the mother of your child may want to be more intimate than before. Whether intimacy increases or decreases, be her go-to, her rock, her everything. She needs you more than ever. Yes, men have needs, but during this time you have to step back. Swallow your pride and help your lady through this.

The Aftermath

First-time mothers statistically have a 95% chance of tearing during pregnancy. And most women have to face this issue whether it’s their first, second, or third child. Some women also have to endure having a C-section, which delays their recovery time significantly after childbirth. The mother of your child will likely experience one of these situations during childbirth. Therefore be prepared that even after recovery, your woman’s body won’t be what it was immediately before birth — and that’s okay. As a man you have to embrace what your superwoman just did. She went through hell and back to give you your angel. What better gift can you get from somebody?

So where does intimacy tie into The Aftermath?

This may be the toughest stage for the both of you. You may look at your woman after a few weeks or months of being patient and think that you’re both are ready to get back to pre-pregnancy intimacy. She may not feel the same way. You are on the mother’s time now.

You must give your woman time to feel like herself again. What will help is words of encouragement. Be her biggest supporter. Not because you want to rush into intimacy, but because she’s been through a lot for the both of you.

Don’t be afraid to talk about intimacy during this time. Dialogue about intimacy is a tool that will help both of you truly express how you feel. There is no such thing as over-communication in this chapter, I promise you that!