Almost my entire adult life has been about planning — planning for a season, for a practice, for a game. As a coach, that is what I do. Even the most minute detail has a plan attached to it.
Fatherhood? Raising children (or in my case, raising four boys)?
You can forget planning.
Being a dad is overwhelming — in joy, in care, and in responsibility. But if we put too much stock into planning or “how to” instructions, we can get lost in what is an awesome journey of transformational relationships, impact, and self-discovery.
My four boys are 15, 14 and 11 (twins!).
I have been a coach since the day my firstborn, Will, came into our lives. I have worked at the highest levels of college basketball. I have been blessed to be an NBA coach. I have been an assistant and a head coach. Countless locker room speeches and meetings, numerous development sessions, many texts and phone calls…you would think it would be easy running a “team” at home, right?!
WRONG!
Fatherhood is its own league. Every team member is different. There are seasons within seasons, with plenty of twists and turns. It’s a journey that requires steady and solid foundations. Here are four of the biggest lessons I’ve learned:
You can’t be everything to all people and things if you want to be a father of influence. Prioritize your life and make sure you stick to it. You’d better be ready to say NO a lot. You will not be able to carry most of your “pre-children” life into your life as a dad. Your schedule should reflect a man that wants to be with his children.
Take care of your health — mind, body and spirit. If you desire to be a great father, you need energy. My diet, sleep, fitness and spiritual growth have all been born out of a drive and priority to be a better father. These commitments take on greater meaning as a man your kids will play with, learn from and look to as an example of good living.
Will loved to cuddle. Matt hated to be held. Marc and Jake express themselves; Will and Matt are more reserved. One will kiss me goodbye when I drop him off at school; the others may give me a fist bump or jump out of the car before I even stop it! They are created uniquely, embrace it! I have made many mistakes trying to turn them into a version of themselves that either I or the world wanted. Let them be them. I pray daily for God to guide them and push them. It is not my place to make them what I want them to be. And as I have let up, I actually see a lot of Alicia’s and my personalities and talents in each of them. It has been a blast watching the development.
This seems very simple. But it’s actually the space in which I have learned the most about myself, through reflection on my own experiences and mistakes. Love is more than saying I love you (although you can never tell them enough). It’s more than hugging and kissing (again, can never do it enough). It’s about listening. It’s about letting them fail. It’s about truth telling. It’s about teaching. It’s about discipline.
As a father of boys, I say this with conviction: YOU BETTER BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND. My fellow men, what they watch, what they listen to, what they read — if you allow it, if you justify it, be ready to accept the consequences down the line. Being a dude is hard. We have the world coming at us in ways that respectfully, women do not. So make no small compromises when it comes to disciplining and teaching your children about anything.
Proberbs 22:6 entered my life four years ago and totally changed my parenting outlook: Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Now, I try to parent them for the long game. What will their dorm rooms look like? How will they treat their boss? What will they do when their friends are about to do something wrong or are gossiping about people? Will they have the courage to do right? What will they act like on their first date with their future wife? How will they love my grandchildren? Will they be men of Faith?
Fellas, do not worry about not knowing it all. Don’t feel the burden of planning your fatherhood in iCal. It’s OK to make mistakes –- you will! Don’t consume yourself with what you want them to be…Instead, think about what you want your child to be like and have faith that what you do now will be great then!
Being a dad has taught me many things. My children have elevated me as much as I have elevated them. The Lord has worked in my life in ways I would never have thought possible. He put this whole thing together and will not let us fail –- rest peacefully on that!
Enjoy the mountaintop moments and molehill moments. They are all awesome.
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